Cooking with Sex Toys

Exactly as the title says: Mark and Ethan cooked with sex toys. The food turned out surprisingly okay.

Transcript
Unus and Annus: Unus Annus, Unus ANNUS!

Unus: They have fuck machines here! Perfect.

Annus: Yeah, I feel like, with the veins, that's too penis-like.

Unus: Hi, how are you?

Clerk: I'm good, how are you guys? Uh, let me know if I can give you a reward card.

Unus: Cool.

Annus: Aw, hell yeah.

Clerk: Yeah, you just got 20 bucks on here...,

Annus: Ayyy!

Unus: Sweet.

Clerk: ...so you can use this whenever you want.

Unus: Thank you! It was kinda weird bein' in there. Like, I felt like it was like being in a library

Annus: Yeah, yeah, just hush voices. I didn't want to bother anyone who might be... enjoying some... good literature.

Unus: But, uh, we did spend $492.

Annus: WE did. We spent.

Unus: We did.

Annus: Our money.

Unus: We did, yes.

Annus: Yes. Paid for by your contributions from buying the merch.

Unus: Help pay for our sex toys!

Annus: Yeah!

Unus: Eh- cooking utensils! Cooking utensils.

Annus: Same thing.

Unus: Cooking utensils...

Annus: Same thing.... God, I'm never gonna get outta here. Ha, wait just-

Unus: *weird noises*

Annus: Wait just do a cut that's just like me lookin' over and then just imma just scream ok?

Unus: Yeah.

Annus: *screams*

Unus: *giggling* *giggling*

Unus and Annus: *laughing*

Unus: Oh no, what (indistinct) we do? So we got this one.

Annus: The mixer.

Unus: It's the (indistinct) platinum cured silicone dildo. We have the classic Magic Wand.

Annus: Tenderizing meat.

Unus: Is Rosie the Riveter Public Domain can you use (indistinct)?

Annus: I...

Unus: Riveter.

Annus: If I am in charge here I will allow it. If anything screams strong-

Unus: (indistinct)

Annus: -feminine strength... or men's strength.

Unus: We have a paddle. One paddle

Annus: You mean a spatula.

Unus: Spatula that's right, sorry. We also have more of a meat tenderizer-y spatula

Annus: Mhm.

Unus: (indistinct) tenderizing meat.

Annus: OW!

Unus: Does that hurt? It kinda-

Annus: YES!

Unus: -hurt right?

Annus: No!

Unus: Ok. Then we've got...

Unus and Annus: *laughing*

Annus: A blurry box!

Unus: *giggling* Heads or tails?

Unus and Annus: *laughing*

Annus: Oh, I don't know, how 'bout uh, heads!

Unus: Here we go front tail. "Frail"

Annus: *laughing* Hey, come on, we got a job to do here. Stop fooling around.

Amy: You and Spencer match.

Unus: Oh, we do! *giggling* Spencer! What a special moment. We're father and son.

Annus: Alright, ok. Bam! Thick cut!

Unus: Thick!

Annus: (indistinct)

Unus: Thick, thick, ha!

Annus: You know I-

Unus: Bacon!

Annus: *sighs*

Unus: It's not sexual. None of this is sexual. Right?

Annus: Right, this is cooking a wholesome American breakfast... with sex toys. Just like gramma used to do.

Unus: We have more sex toys! Oh my god, I forgot about it.

Annus: We have a-

Unus and Annus: Whisk.

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: We got... our measuring cups *laughs*. Unus Annus. Wait listen to this.

Unus: Wait-

Annus: Shh!

Unus: Oh... Ugh, it came with lube!

Annus: Imma rinse out a little bit-

Unus: It dropped on the ground.

Annus: -you know. You should always rinse out your new dishware. One *giggling*

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: Two... *giggling* three... *giggling* three... I mean four *giggling*. Five... and... one more... 1 1/2 cups.

Unus: Your whisk is on the floor.

Annus: There it is. Oh god! *giggling*

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: Oh god, I'm sorry!

Unus: It's a great whisk Annus. You're doing good.

Annus: Thank you! Ok, maybe I'm just not using it right. I just gotta really get in there. Uh...

Unus: That's a pretty good whisk.

Annus: Um...

Unus: *giggling* You gotta kinda "squeegee" it out.

Annus: Oh my god...

Unus: Oh god *giggling* We're having a nice Thursday-Friday morning in the kitchen.

Annus: Yeah.

Unus: Cooking up something great.

Annus: Yeah.

Unus: It's not... supposed to be dough. Do you think that maybe you should use a couple more... you call 'em cups?

Unus and Annus: *laughing*

Unus: That's a good-looking piece of bacon. That's not too bad. Flip over the other one... Grandma's methods of cooking are working pretty well Annus.

Annus: Just getting more batteries!

Unus: Yeah?

Annus: Yeah.

Unus: (indistinct) more cups did you get?

Annus: Yeah. *giggling* Couple more cups man. "Yhear" we go that's what we're talking about here. It's like- it's like cast-iron cookware. If you don't wash it all the juices from the previous cooks get mixed in and you get a flavor.

Unus: Yeah.

Annus: Deep in there.

Unus: We got... we got the bacon. Hold on. Hold on. Just takes a second.

Annus: I got some on Henry. Now you gotta wait for it to be properly cooked before you flip you can tell by the number of bubbles that are in the center and the edges. 'Cause if it stops bubbling in the center that means the other side is no longer porous and is therefore evenly cooked. It's easy to burn it at this point but you gotta wait 'till it's a golden brown. It's really bad for the pancake if you flip it before it's any sort of brown. 'Cause then you have to flip it back over and the never tastes as good. So you always gotta wait. Best check to know if it's flippable is if you touch the sides and it bounces. We're getting a little bouncier. The whole thing is actually movin'. So you might think like 'oh yeah, now's the time to flip' well... hold your horses little "buckareeno", maybe not just yet, because remember: the edge of the pancake's always a bit more brown, so I can't even see any brown from coming around the side of that pancake over there, but since we're getting some mobility, we're getting some solidity, we're just about ready to go because we don't the-the other side to become too solid because that way it becomes... *tak* it won't brown- it won't *tak* it won't brown. Ugh it won't- ah my pancake! Ok, wait. Wait. My pancake. My pancake!

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: Oh god! It's burnin' No god.

Unus: (indistinct)

Annus: Ok it's fine.

Unus: Oh, that is a golden boy! Ever crack an egg with one hand? *giggles* Oh my god! You want any... spices or anything in your eggs?

Annus: (indistinct)

Unus: Maybe a little bit of... maybe a little bit of salt and pepper? Maybe a little bit o'... uh... oh... *tak*. *giggles* I'm white so salt and pepper is all I know are spices.

Annus: *laughing*

Unus: Alright! Now we get to mixing. We use a whisk or fork or anything when you can use a mixer? A hand mixer?

Annus: Yeah.

Unus: So you wanna start off slow. *giggling* Then slowly increase the speed. As you go. That's gettin' those eggs nice and mixed up!

Annus: I am... absolutely stunned-

Unus: *giggles*

Annus: (indistinct)-

Unus: Honestly though that's like the correct motion for (indistinct)

Annus: Yeah, no you're right, you're right that is the correct motion. I made this one too big! Ah! Close enough.

Unus: Alright. M'm. Some scrambled eggs. Scrambled, scrambled eggs.

Annus: Nothing amazing about it.

Unus: Mhm. Nope. Just does.

Annus: Scrambled eggs and once they're done we'll get breakfast baby!

Unus: Is this dangerous?

Annus: No, why would it be dangerous?

Unus: I don't know.

Annus: Everything we're doing is totally safe. Everything 100% percent safe, all the time.

Unus: (indistinct) gramma wouldn't do this if it wasn't safe.

Annus: Absolutely.

Henry: *bark*

Annus: Henry doesn't like it.

Unus: That's fast!

Annus: Oooo... Here massage my shoulders. Ah!

Amy: (indistinct)

Annus: *laughs*

Unus: Hold on, we need to up the speed. Mmm...

Annus: *wheezes*

Unus: *coughing* This is good.

Annus: Yeah I'm glad we got that *laughs*

Unus: Glad we- glad we spent like $90 on this.

Annus: *laughs*

Unus: Wait.

Annus: They're not done!

Unus: You- uh... you- ugh.

Annus: *laughing* There's raw egg!

Unus: *giggles* Well depends on how juicy you like your eggs.

Annus: Wha-

Unus: You want your eggs to be completely dry? Those are done!

Amy: Those are done.

Unus: Those are done.

Annus: A wha-

Unus: Get outta here!

Annus: Wait-

Unus: Get outta here-

Annus: I'm not- I'm not... *sighs*

Unus: I will eat the hell outta these eggs.

Annus: *laughs* Yep. Yep, keep going.

Unus: None of this is sexual, right?

Annus: Whooooo's hungry?

Unus: It's time.

Annus: Oh boy!

Unus: We slaved all morning.

Annus: I know.

Unus: For our breakfast.

Annus: And hey, you can't have pancakes without syrup.

Unus: That's exactly right! And you can't eat without having your mouth in a gape.

Annus: *giggles*

Unus: *laughing* So... so... you know.

Annus: Yeah.

Unus: Those look good.

Annus: They do! Yeah.

Unus: They do look rather good.

Annus: I like a lot of syrup on my pancakes, please.

Unus: Yeah? Ok.

Annus: Ahh...

Unus: *tak*

Annus: *muffled laughs*

Unus: *giggles* Good, good.

Annus: Uh, ha. Uh, ha.

Unus: Come back like this. Is that tight enough?

Annus: Uh, ha!

Unus: Ok. Alright!

Annus: (indistinct) *muffled laughs*

Unus: *giggles* Yeah? Ok... *giggling* Gho...

Annus: I han hew.

Unus and Annus: *giggling*

Annus: *grunts*

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: *coughs*

Unus: You're gonna fucking choke and die, dude!

Annus: *giggling*

Unus: Do you want me to un-

Annus: Na, na!

Unus: Egg for ya. Good, good, good. *giggling*

Annus: *moans*

Unus: Lean back. *giggling*

Annus: *choking* *moans*

Unus: Alright. This video's gonna be really good for a select group of people. *giggling* Have you finished your bacon? *giggling*

Annus: Uh, huh!

Unus: Oh, I don't think so, le- let's see it.

Annus: *groaning*

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: *choking*

Unus: I am... uncomfortable. *giggling* You want some more?

Annus: (strangled: I got the egg down)

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: Uuh, uuh! *giggling*

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: Hi. *giggling*

Amy: *tak*

Unus: *giggling* (indistinct)

Annus: *choking*

Unus: Lean back. Aww...

Annus: Uh, oh. Uh... *laughing*

Amy: Ah!

Unus: *giggling*  (indistinct) *laughing*

Dogs: *barking*

Amy: *laughing*

Unus: Whoo! I can not believe, out of everything that we've done so far today,-

Amy: *tak*

Unus: -exactly now, is when a person come up to your front- he looked you right in your eyes *giggling*

Annus: He didn't say a goddam thing!

Unus: *laughing-crying* Well... *sighs* I guess we end the video. How are the pancakes?

Annus: They're good, yeah, I like them I think, I couldn't really taste.

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: *laughing*

Unus: I can not believe

Annus: I can't fu-

Unus: *giggling*

Annus: There's no fucking way. Of all- no one's ever come up to the door just out of random...

Unus: *laughing*

Annus: Just fucking kill me.

Unus: You guys better enjoy this video. Jeepers.